No Contact in Families: Why It Happens and How to Reconnect

What happens in families when people stop speaking to each other? Usually, there is pain for those directly involved in the estrangement, and confusion and loyalty conflicts for those

indirectly affected, who often are trying not to make things worse. Sometimes a relationship,

even with a close family member, can feel so bad that it may not seem worth the work. Why

continue to put in the effort to try to repair a toxic relationship with someone who doesn’t feel

safe to be with? According to the Cornell Family Estrangement and Reconciliation Project,

more than one quarter of Americans have decided to estrange themselves from a family

member. Among these, there are likely many who are interested in finding ways to repair and reconnect.

The sad truth about loving is that it is not pain free. Even in good relationships feelings might get hurt; offensive or hurtful things might get said; behaviors might disappoint; how we are treated may not always meet our expectations. If we ended every relationship that didn’t feel good 100% of the time we would be completely alone. The difficult questions are what to do with the hurt feelings, and how to work at repair, while acknowledging both the pain that caused the rupture and the desire to restore the relationship,

Imagine the dilemma: Your mother and your sister aren’t speaking to each other and a holiday is approaching. You want to host the holiday, as you have done in the past, but fear that if you invite them both, neither will come or they might both come, determined to stay disconnected, bringing tension and spoiling the happy holiday celebration you hope for.

Most of the time, going no contact isn’t the first response to family conflict. What happens is

that after a series of misunderstandings, insults and injuries that don’t get resolved, people

ultimately lose hope that a particular relationship can ever be a source of good, and they decide that it’s easier to just end it, withdrawing to avoid more hurt. As the above dilemma illustrates, the pain of estrangement radiates throughout the family system. Everyone in this family will be affected by who isn’t talking to whom and burdened by the task of staying connected in the midst of disconnection.

As a therapist I have worked with many families to heal relationships and repair estrangements.

Some of the guidelines I recommend are:

1. Start small and simple. Don’t aim for the reconciliation to take place at a big family

event or expect a one-and-done miracle reconciliation. For example, if you’re doing the

seating chart for your wedding reception and you know your uncles aren’t speaking to

each other, do everyone a favor and put them at separate tables.

2. No sneak attacks or surprise attempts. If you and a family member are estranged and you want to work at repair, request an agreed upon meeting time and place, rather than just dropping by unannounced. Take the approach of scheduling a peace talk so that both sides are ready, and no one feels ambushed or rejected.

3. Accept that repair is a process. People aren’t always at the same place of readiness to repair a relationship. Sometimes going no contact is a way to sort out feelings and give the conflict a rest. Honor boundaries without seeing them as punishments. Slow progress is still progress.

4. Be ready to forgive without demanding an apology. Sometimes people just can’t say

“I’m sorry”. Consider carefully whether you can move forward and set aside your hurt

feelings if they aren’t acknowledged.

5. Give up the dream relationship for the one that is possible. If you have a longing for a relationship with your son where he calls you a few times a week and visits you every

Sunday, could you accept without resentment what your son is willing to offer with a

spirit of generosity if what he can actually offer is less?

6. Empathy is essential. Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings, perspectives and experiences of another person. Practicing empathy moves people in conflict from defensive adversaries to cooperative partners asking what can we do to move toward reconnection?

Leo Tolstoy's famous quote, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own ways," is valuable here. Each family story is unique and how the estranged members got to where they are is often a complicated jumble of behaviors, feelings, and reactions. An experienced professional who is an outside observer to the system can be a useful guide to relational repair. If you’re struggling with a family relationship and looking for guidance and support, complete the contact form and I’ll promptly reply.