Do You Have a Bully Shouting in Your Brain?

Some of us struggle with a loud voice in our head, a Negative Internal Monologue (NIM) that operates like a bully that constantly shouts limiting, critical messages. This overpowering voice tries to convince us that anything short of absolute perfection is complete failure.  The NIM works to silence our own voice of truth, reason and possibility.  When we try something new this voice can cause us to confuse being a curious and hopeful beginner with being a pathetic loser.  The voice says stuff like, “You’ll NEVER be able to do this” or even, “Oh, my, you’re so bad at this, you’re making a complete fool of yourself.” You might conclude that you should just give up and maybe, sadly, you do.  And even when you find the strength to persist, and don’t give in to the negative messages, the experience is shaded with anxiety, shame and fear instead of excitement and joy. The NIM can drown out whispers of encouragement and often triggers an army of ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) that minimize or deny the positive of what you’re experiencing. When this bully is in charge, there’s little mental space available for taking pride in your progress because of the constant distorted magnification of everything that’s not exactly perfect.  The NIM operates with some wrong equations:

1. Less than 100% Perfect = 100% Failure

2. 1 Negative Event = Everything is Wrong/Nothing Ever Works Out

3. Problem or Mistake = Catastrophe

4. Asking for Help = Weakness/Incompetence

How can we learn to speak up to the NIM and refuse to evaluate ourselves using those wrong equations? It takes learning some new tools and a commitment to practice. And the good news is that when we’re able to interrupt and disempower the NIM, trying new things and taking action to accomplish goals gets easier and more fun and we experience more success.  

I found it useful to give a name to the motormouth bully in my brain.  When I start hearing the negative noise, I actually imagine myself saying, “Oh no, not you again, Bitter Betty….”

I try to pause, listen and consider the content of the negative message.  Does the negative message offer something of value to consider.  We can ask ourselves, “is there a grain of truth in the message of the NIM that can help me improve?”  Like if the negative message says, “Of course you missed the deadline, you always wait until the last minute,” there is something to think about that might inspire behavior change.  

Observe and take inventory of what’s right even if things aren’t perfect.  For example, you prepare a written report for your boss about a project you’ve been working on and you find a typo in the first paragraph after you’ve sent it.  The bully in your head says, “You really blew it.  You’re going to look totally incompetent.” And you respond, “Next time I’ll read things more carefully, maybe even ask someone to proofread before I hit send, but I’m still pleased with the content of the report and still believe I did a good job.”

Imagine the calm and peace you’d feel if you were able to use some disempowering dialogue strategies to stop the NIM from intruding on your life and blocking your progress to positive growth.   What if you were able to tell your own version of Bitter Betty to be silent and get out of the way and allow your own strong voice to guide your life?

Speaking up to the force of the NIM is easier with supportive allies.  A therapist can help you learn to re-frame, assertively challenge and turn up the volume on your own compassionate, encouraging inner voice.  If disempowering the NIM is something  you’d like to work on please contact me and let’s get started.