Increasing Emotional Maturity

The quality of our relationships has a huge influence on the overall quality of our lives. It’s nearly impossible to live a thriving and healthy life when we’re disconnected from others or in chronic conflict with family, friends or co-workers. Relational distress is often the motivating issue that brings people to begin therapy. In the initial therapy sessions, I often hear about how the behavior of others in my new client’s life are the source of stress and unhappiness. After a little time of working together we might begin to shift the focus from the behavior of others to self-examination asking questions like: How can I change my interactions with this person to make our relationship better? How can I change my reactions when I feel threatened, criticized or dismissed? How can I express disappointment, frustration or set boundaries with others in ways that strengthen connection?

Emotional maturity is a learned skill that doesn’t just happen as we grow up. It requires a practiced capacity for self-control that enables us to experience emotions without being overtaken by them and to express our feelings with careful consideration of the potential impact and consequences of our words and actions. It is a quality of being that requires a commitment to intentional improvement. Like building physical strength requires regular and sustained exercise, building relational strength requires us to practice self examination, self-regulation, and thoughtful responsiveness rather than protective impulsive reactivity. Recognizing and taking responsibility for our own part in the pain of our relationships with others is hard and sometimes gut-wrenching work. The payoff can be a life full of growth-producing and energizing relationships. Of course, not every relationship in our lives is worth working for but when we have emotional maturity, we can tell the difference between a difficult moment in a potentially good relationship and a relationship that doesn’t have enough good in it to make it worth the effort.

Developing emotional maturity requires courage. Here are some ways to begin:

1. Identify what triggers you to get defensive (fight),or shut down (flight). Anger? Fear Guilt? Rejection? Shame?

2. Reflect on what you learned in your family about disappointment, disagreement and hurt feelings. Did you observe aggressive, explosive, reactive, impulsive responses to tension and conflict? Did you learn about apology, repair, compassion and empathy?

3. Examine the stories you tell. For example, a new friend declines an invitation you offered, and you conclude the person probably doesn’t like you instead of considering other explanations, like the person has other plans for the date you suggested.

4. Attend to what’s going on in your body. Do you feel tension, your heart racing, flushed? Is your body reacting as if you are in danger after a conversation with someone? Take time to calm and soothe yourself before you respond.

5. When in conflict try to bring in relational qualities of curiosity, courage, compassion and collaboration. Ask yourself, how can I contribute to the WE, to work with what’s happening here to transform conflict to opportunity for deepened understanding and connection?

6. Allow yourself to hang out in the disconnection. Rather than concluding you’re done with someone when the going gets tough, think about giving yourself a break to reflect on what happened and see if you can consider the other person’s experience and perspective and communicate when you’re able to work toward repair.

Developing emotional maturity and relational intelligence can improve all aspects of your life: family, social, romantic and professional. Improving the quality of your relationships can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression and enable you to live more freely and more fully. Working with a mental health professional who is trained in emotional immaturity correction can offer the guidance and support to help you determine what part is yours in transforming painful and chronic conflict into relationships that offer zest, energy and joy. If you’d like to get started send me a note. Here’s to healthy connection!